Masturbation Helps Prevent Prostate Cancer

Thanks to the posting of a fellow member of the AASECT professional listserv of which I am a member, I discovered this fabulous blog entry which reports solid medical science about the health benefits of regular and frequent masturbation in men, along with social commentary on the Religious Right, which seems to try desperately to repress our sexuality at every turn.

In case you need medical science to support your orgasms, here it is: Masturbation not only feels good, it's good for you!

News Flash to Religious Right: Masturbation Prevents Cancer by Darklady

USA -- What a horrible spring 2008 has brought to the Religious Right. In addition to mixed-race Illinois Senator Barack Obama moving into position as the Democratic contender for the upcoming presidential election, California has legalized same-sex marriage and science has proven that masturbation isn’t just good for a man, it can protect him against cancer.

According to a United States survey, which supports previous research conducted in Australia, frequent masturbation puts men at a reduced risk for prostate cancer....(more)

Go read the read the rest of Darklady's blog entry at YNot.

For further reading:
"Masturbating may protect against prostate cancer" at New Scientist
"Masturbation Cuts Cancer Risk" at BBC News

But don't just read-- masturbate for your health!

Non-Genital Orgasms

In my Women’s Group last night we were discussing non-genital orgasms, orgasms that originate from movement, thought, touch, and/or breath not centered on the genitals. Thanks to the research of Beverly Whipple, Barry Komisaruk, Carlos Beyer-Flores, and others, even scientists have confirmed that non-genital orgasms are a measurable physiological occurrence. (For more information, read this fascinating interview, "Exploring the Mind-Body Orgasm," with Whipple and Komisaruk, two of the authors of the book The Science of Orgasm.) For the men, women, and other humans who have ever experienced non-genital orgasms, though, we don’t need electrodes hooked up to our heads for us to know they are possible. We’ve experienced them.

Every orgasm, no matter where or how it originates, has essentially the same basic physiological responses: muscular tension and release, increased heart and respiration rates, increased genital blood flow, and stimulation in specific areas of the brain. There are many folks who, in describing their own orgasms, say that most orgasms feel essentially the same to them. Other folks describe experiencing different “kinds” of orgasms, which originate from different kinds of touch, movement, breath and/or thought, and that those general “types” of orgasms feel different from each other—which is what led to the designation of “non-genital orgasms” in the first place. Everyone is different.

I am personally one of the folks whose orgasms seem to be different from each other, depending on how and where they seem to "originate." Some of my orgasms feel like explosive releases of energy that leave me happily exhausted afterwards. Others leave me feeling more energized, like I have so much energy I could get up and run a marathon. (Not that I have ever actually tried running a marathon, mind you.) Some kinds of orgasms feel like a slow, steadily increasing build-up of energy that can last for hours; others come in waves--building and leveling off at a plateau, and then building and leveling off some more. Some kinds of orgasms seem to be “centered” primarily in my genitals, others in my spine, others in other body parts, and still others in my entire body.

I always have mixed feelings when telling folks about non-genital orgasms. On the one hand, I hate the thought that I might encourage more orgasm goal-orientation or perpetuate an “orgasm hierarchy.” Freud popularized the idea that a clitoral orgasm was “immature” while a vaginal orgasm was “mature.” Since then, other sexual gurus have come along to tell us that non-genital orgasms are even better…and some of them will tell you that the particular brand of orgasm they are selling or teaching you is the very best of all. I believe strongly that, just as there is no “right” way to be a sexual being, there is also no “right” or “best” way to orgasm, no matter what any “expert” says. If an individual human being experiences one type of orgasm as “best” for him, her or hir, that is GREAT. But what is best for one person (even a spiritually enlightened, fabulously sexy sexual expert with an impressive resume) or even thousands of people is not necessarily “best” for everyone.

On the other hand, sometimes when the mind discovers that our bodies are capable of something, that discovery, in and of itself, opens the door for our bodies to allow a new experience. I have heard folks report that once they saw or heard about someone having a non-genital orgasm, their own “first” was not far off. And a non-genital orgasm can be lots of fun—I’d hate for someone to miss out on the opportunity just because they didn’t know it was possible.

There are definitely folks out there who can teach techniques for having a non-genital orgasm. Good classes in Tantric Sex and Quodoshka, for example, abound. Some of these techniques some folks find quite helpful. There are many of us who learn best by receiving direct instruction, whether in having orgasms, fixing a car, or cooking a meal. Other folks prefer to experiment themselves, glancing briefly at the user’s manual and then learning by trial-and-error, discovering their own path along the way.

After our discussion in the Women’s Group last night, I began to think about how I might go about “teaching” someone to have a non-genital orgasm. I had an initial resistance to the idea, as I am not personally much of a fan of teaching sexual “techniques.” But then I hit upon an idea that just might work— “Let Your Own Body Teach You” OR “Mind Over Matter” OR “Fake It.”

I don’t mean to suggest that you should fake an orgasm in order to deceive yourself or your partner. I mean, try going off in a room by yourself, preferably sometime when you are really turned on, and “pretend” your body already knows how to have a non-genital orgasm. (It probably does!!!) You already know the physiological components of orgasm, so experiment with your breathing (increasing your respiration rate). Experiment with squeezing your muscles (muscle contractions). Experiment with fantasizing a hot sex scene or imagining energy move up your spine and out the top of your head or lovingly connecting with the universe or a lover (stimulating your brain). Imagine that you feel your genitals filling with blood and energy (increased genital blood flow). Touch, rub, pinch, or stroke a body part(s) that just feels like it wants to be touched, and send mental “orgasmic” energy to that spot(s). Make orgasm noises. Move your body the way you imagine you might do if you were having a big ol’ full-body orgasm. Practice “creating” an orgasm…and then see if your body catches on and just takes over--maybe it will, maybe it won't. Make sure to keep your expectations wide open, curious rather than outcome-oriented. A non-genital orgasm may feel stronger or softer, longer or shorter, deeper or more shallow, more energizing or more exhausting, and in any way similar or different to other orgasms you have had in the past--but if the basic physiological components are there, then you've just had yourself a new orgasm!

And then, PLEASE write me and tell me how it goes!!!

Women, Eros and Pleasure: A Continuum Workshop

Check this out! Sabine Mead is offering a Women's Workshop on Sexuality and Continuum Movement, appropriate for beginners or those with previous Continuum experience. This two-day course will be followed by an optional seven-week session class and/or a double Saturday all-day intensive to support an ongoing exploration. Below is her flyer, reprinted with permission.

Women, Eros and Pleasure: Redefining Feminine Sexuality through the Art and Practice of Continuum
Dates & Times: April 12 & 13, 10 am-5 pm Cost: $185; includes booklet
Location: Yoga Collective, Saxapahaw
NC CEU’s : 14 hrs available
Instructor: Sabine Mead, Certified Continuum Movement Teacher
To register, call: (919) 606-9642 Or email: bellamudra@earthlink.net


At the core of a woman’s spiritual nature is the deep well of Eros. This aspect of our essential nature is one of the least understood and most feared in our modern culture, and has forged an enormous schism in our psyche and being. Eros is the primary healer inherent in our biosystem or what we call a body; it is the necessary ingredient that exhilarates self, enlivens our tissues, restores our vitality, and nourishes our passion, all of which are paramount to our health as women.

This workshop is an in-depth inquiry into our erotic nature, parsing out and broadening our concepts of sexuality and sensuality. Moving beyond preconceived ideas and superficial notions of sexuality, we allow ourselves to discover the universal tides of Eros. These tides open our imagination and help us cultivate a capacity to more deeply inhabit our bodies and reclaim our primal birthright to embody pleasure and wholeness.

Continuum is a dynamic combination of movement, breath, sound and sensation to access our inherent bio-intelligence rooted in the fluid systems of the body. As the human body is composed of 80% water, by activating and invigorating these various fluids, we penetrate the density of tissue and create a plasticity needed for movement, communication, health and wholeness. This practice creates an opportunity to dissolve physical and psychological blocks thereby allowing spaciousness for deeper levels of embodiment.

March Book Discussion Group and Panel: Phone Sex

For the next Sex and Culture Book Discussion Group, we will be doing something a little different. Our book: Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills, by Miranda Austin. In March, we will gather in my home in Carrboro to discuss the book AND give folks the opportunity to ask questions of an informal panel of phone sex workers. This is your chance to come find out everything you ever wanted to know about the fascinating and multi-layered phone fantasy business--from the down-and-dirty to the transcendentally spiritual.

Phone Sex is full of fabulous stories about one phone sex operator's experience behind the scenes of the phone sex business. The book is a great starting place for folks who want to spice up their own sex lives with dirty talk, for callers and potential callers, for anyone who has ever considered trying phone sex as a professional, and for people who are just plain curious about this form of sex work. I read this book before I ever started doing phone sex professionally, and I am so glad I did! The practicalities of the business have changed significantly in the few short years since Phone Sex was published, but, as you will learn from our panel, many of the personal stories of the operators are equally interesting, personal, profound, hilarious, and hot!

The group will meet on Thursday, March 6 at 7pm in Carrboro. RSVP for directions or to be on the panel: amy AT embodiedsexuality.com. Free. I especially encourage those with experience in phone sex, as either an operator or caller, to attend and participate! Due to the adult nature of our conversation, participants must be 18 or older.

In support of the Sex Workers Art Show Tour at Duke

Today I sent a letter to the editor of the News and Observer in response to a recent column about the Sex Workers Art Show Tour at Duke. I discovered after writing (over 700 words!) that letters were required to be 200 words or less (*gulp*). I edited, revised, cut and chopped down to the required length, but I share with you here the longer version of my letter...

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On Sunday evening, I attended the performance of the Sex Workers Art Show tour at Duke University. I was glad I had had the opportunity to attend this thought-provoking show, and I subsequently sent a note to one of the student organizers, expressing my hopes that Duke would continue to bring much-needed sex-positive programming to the Triangle area.

A few days later, I read Ruth Sheehan’s column “Duke Shows It’s Clueless” in the February 6 News and Observer. Sheehan remarked on the apparent irony and inappropriateness of bringing this performance to Duke in the aftermath of the tragedy which rocked Duke just two short years ago, when a group of the Duke lacrosse team members was accused of raping a young stripper who they had hired to attend their party.

I think Sheehan and I would both agree that preventing sexual violence against all people, whether or not they choose to work in the sex industry, is a laudable goal. I would suggest, however, that bringing this show to Durham was not in conflict with that goal, and was, in fact, one excellent way to work toward that goal. Sexual violence happens in an environment of dehumanization. The Sex Workers Art Show, in contrast, gave the audience the opportunity to see the human faces and hear the voices of those who choose to work in different facets of the sex industry. The show demonstrated the individuality of these performers—their various preferences, skills, eroticism, humor, body types, emotions, types of intelligence, and thoughts. The audience was treated to performances about all kinds of experiences in sex work, both difficult and empowering.

Unfortunately, Sheehan's commentary de-humanized and disparaged the individual sex workers who performed that night. She seems able to appreciate those performers who she says “read serious pieces about bad choices they had made.” The other performers she maligned--those whose body types, gender orientations, erotic preferences, career choices, and opinions she apparently found distasteful. I was there to see the pride and the humor of the beautiful burlesque dancer, Dirty Martini, as she danced, celebrating her body, curves and all. Yet Sheehan describes Martini, with what seems to be blatant disrespect, as an “overweight stripper,” her performance, “yick.”

Is it not possible to also respect those who spoke to feeling empowered by choosing sex work, even if you would not make that same choice yourself? What of those who demonstrated anger, not at having chosen sex work, but at a culture which degrades them for having done so? What of those who celebrate their bodies, even if those bodies do not to conform to society’s current standards of attractiveness? What of those who are doing work that they enjoy? Of those who have a sense of humor and fun about the life they lead? Having respect for the humanity of others requires that we accept and honor differences, whether those differences have to do with one’s race, socio-economic status, background, political beliefs, religion, orientation, sexuality or career choice.

Interestingly, one of Sheehan’s sources, Kenneth Larrey of the group “Duke Students for an Ethical Duke,” complained that bringing this show to Duke was “hypocrisy.” To prove his point, Larrey explicitly violated the very clear, written mandate in the program which stated that photography and recordings were prohibited. In doing so he demonstrated outright disregard for the stated boundaries of the show’s performers (by taking what he wanted in spite of their unambiguous “no”), yet another kind of violence and disrespect. Here I see irony of which Sheehan seems unaware—that one who is attempting to hold Duke to a high standard of ethics is simultaneously demonstrating such a gross lack of ethical integrity.

Sex and self-expression are not the problem. Nudity is not the problem. Watching a performance about sex work is not the problem. Dehumanization and disrespect of those who are different from us is, however, a problem—the kind of problem that, in its extreme form, can lead to violence, both sexual and otherwise. I admire the courage of the group of Duke students, staff, and faculty who brought the Sex Workers Art Show tour to the Triangle. I applaud them for doing their part to prevent sexual violence against sex workers.

Embodiment Practice: Continuum Movement

When I was a child, I used to enjoy making random sounds and noises. I liked noticing the way my body felt when I would hum. I liked noticing the way the sounds would change if I simply moved my tongue to a different position or held my mouth and lips in a different way. It was a non-goal-oriented "scientific" play: experiments with sound and vibration with no hypotheses and no conclusions, just curiosity and a sense of fun.

To be honest, I still experiment with the way my body reacts to sound. And in fact, I have discovered that other people do, as well. Continuum Movement is an awareness and embodiment practice that uses sounds, breath, deep, silent listening, and micro-movements as a way to explore the body, to play, to meditate, to un-label, and to dissolve old movement patterns. They key premise is the interaction between sound and the fluid in the body--an idea which translates well into the practice whether you take this premise literally or metaphorically. For me, personally, Continuum is one of my most important spiritual practices, one of the key fuels that ignites my sense of mystery, creativity, and curiosity. And it is a whole lot of fun.

Writing about Continuum Movement is difficult for me because so much of what happens for me at my Continuum classes can't easily be translated into words. If an outside observer came to watch, she would see a bunch of people sitting, lying, crouching, standing, bending, and rolling on the ground making strange-looking faces, funny noises, and bizarre movements. Really, we look kind of odd. Or we look incredibly primal, beautiful, and free, depending on your perspective.

What I love about doing Continuum Movement is that it gives me the opportunity to spend a large chunk of time every week simply exploring my internal landscape. I get to ask the question, "What happens if...?" What happens if I follow my internal impulses and move the way my body calls to be moved? What if I give myself permission to move in a new way or to think of myself in a different way or to make a new kind of sound?

Because of the amount of time I spend focusing on my body and my senses in Continuum Movement, it is inherently self-referentially erotic, at some times more so than others. I have had spontaneous bursts of energy (i.e. orgasms!) that have originated from almost any and every place in my body. Orgasms are never the goal, and "sex" is never the intent, but, as with any awareness and embodiment practice, sometimes fabulously juicy, sexy energy spontaneously arises, moves through me, then transforms, grows or dissipates as spontaneously and freely as it arose. And, as with sex or any meditation, sometimes not much seems to "happen" at all-- it can, at times, feel quite ordinary and uneventful, even awkward, which brings just as many opportunities for self-discovery as the times that feel profound and earth-shattering.

If you are in the Triangle Area of North Carolina, you happen to be in close proximity to two fabulous Continuum teachers, Rebecca Lawson and Sabine Mead. In fact, Rebecca is teaching a workshop this weekend (scroll down) geared toward folks who are new to Continuum but also appropriate for those with more experience, as well. And in April, Sabine will be offering a Continuum workshop on Women, Eros and Pleasure! If you are not in my neck of the woods, you can find a teacher elsewhere in the country here.

I leave you with the words of my Continuum teacher, "Be the movement you are, not the movement you do."

Photo by Jay Sekora

Sex Workers Art Show Tour

I just found out yesterday that the Sex Workers Art Show Tour, a cabaret-style show created by people in various facets of the sex industry, is currently in North Carolina, about midway through its tour around the country. Tonight's FREE performance is at Duke's Reynolds Theatre at 7pm. I will certainly be there instead of watching the Superbowl!

Toward Consensus: a Summit of Sexual Selves

I believe there is no "right" way to be a sexual being. There are as many ways of being a sexual being as there are people in this world. Each person's erotic territory, including my own, is as unique, beautiful, and fabulous as a fingerprint or snowflake. Each of us has the right to explore our own sexuality and embodiment, in whatever form they manifest, as long as those behaviors do not violate the rights or freedoms of anyone else. My sexuality ebbs and flows naturally and is, in every moment, just fine exactly the way it is.

I believe sex is dirty. I know that it's OK to have sex with the person that you marry, but I'm not sure it's OK to really enjoy it. There must be something wrong with me that I think about sex so much. And there are some people that are even sicker than I am.

I believe sex would be no fun if I didn't have those rules about sex being naughty to push against. I like being rebellious. Every time I fuck someone, every time I masturbate, I'm flipping the bird at my Southern Baptist upbringing and my conservative family where sex just wasn't ever talked about. Sex is fun because it is dirty and nasty.

I believe I am not sexually liberated enough. I've never been to a strip club, a swinger's event, a sex party or a BDSM play party. I wish I felt more sexual freedom. I think if I were really liberated I would have sex with more people. The fact that I'm picky means there's part of me that must not want it. I'm afraid I might be frigid. What if my orgasms aren't even real? What if I don't really even like sex? I know there's not supposed to be a "right" way to have sex, but I think there MUST be some right way. I don't know what the right way is, but I know whatever I do can't be right.

You really think too much. Lighten up. Sex is just fun.

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No, those are not five different statements from five different people. Those scripts all live within my own head. Each time I am faced with a sexual decision, all those voices are asserting themselves, whether or not I choose to listen to them.

And last night, during the first group meeting of this new women's group, each of the very brave women who are participating began the process of exploring their own voices, many of which, like mine, conflict with one another. It was amazing to hear their stories and to realize how very different are each of our internal sexual landscapes. Yet, each woman arrived ready to be vulnerable, to open themselves up to whatever they might find about their sexual selves.

Part of this exploration involves holding the paradox that few of us are of “one mind” when it comes to our sexuality. Many of us have within us the voices of our Child selves, our Adolescent selves, our Parent selves, our God/Soul-selves, and perhaps more Selves--an ever-expanding choir of voices. It's understandable, then, that sex can be confusing for us. How many of us follow the loudest voice while repressing the others? But, of course, those other voices will soon re-assert themselves as well, often painfully.

The challenge is to let all of those voices communicate with each other. It might seem that with so many conflicting voices there is no common ground on which we can even begin to engage in our sexuality. But it seems to me that there is no way to embody my own sexuality without honoring all of those voices. Each of the voices in my head is there for a very good reason--to protect me, to support me, to challenge me, to nurture me, to arouse me, and/or to encourage me--in both obvious and not-so-obvious ways. When I bring those voices together, in a summit of my sexual Selves, I have the unique opportunity to work toward consensus.

As any Quaker can tell you, it's not easy to bring a multitude of voices into consensus. It takes an enormous amount of time, patience, and attention. It requires having compassion and respect for all of the many, often conflicting, voices. Arriving at consensus is not the same as putting an issue to vote in a democracy. In a democracy the majority “wins,” leaving the minority to “lose.” To find a consensus, all members agree to search for a place of commonality, a decision that everyone can live with, even if that means each person has to give up a little bit of what they want to honor the community as a whole.

The process of arriving at consensus is much the same whether or not we are talking about a group of many people or many voices within one Self. Some people find this process too difficult and too time-consuming to take on. And who can blame them?! An internal process of consensus rarely gives us the satisfaction of an "arrival"--instead it is a life-long process of decision-making moment-by-moment. For some people though, me included, the process of giving honor and respect to the multitude of voices is extraordinarily valuable and empowering. If the practice of sexual embodiment is a journey, the process of working toward internal consensus, of integrating our multitude of voices, is one mode of transportation.

Dismantling body-phobia

I am a member of an email listserv which, on occasion, is visited by “trolls,” folks who don’t contribute to discussions but who do place “personal ads,” sometimes very physically explicit and specific ones, looking for sexual partners. These posts have always bugged me, and they inevitably get a lot of response from those of us on the list (myself included) about how trolling is prohibited—“See, right there in the rules.”

Like I said, I don't like these "trolling" emails, and I much prefer to keep date-seeking off a discussion list-serv and on the dating sites. However, with the last round of “trolls,” I realized something interesting—that when a person comes on the list, describing how she thinks or what his hobbies are and ALSO happens to state that zhe would like to meet folks for conversation, NOBODY jumps on their case about being a troll. It’s only if someone describes hir body or mentions that zhe is seeking something physical, whether cuddling or sex, that anybody describes hir as a “troll.” Hmmm...

I have often heard people say they get offended at these “trolls” saying that they feel objectified—“They are not interested in ME; they are only interested in my BODY.” And I have heard that same complaint over and over again about people in other places where people meet people—dating sites, bars, etc. But I have never once heard anyone disparage a person by saying, "Oh, they're not interested in ME; they only are interested in my MIND (or heart, or spirit).”

Which begs the questions--what constitutes "ME" anyway? Is it my body, my mind, my spirit, my soul, some combination of one or more of those? How does one differentiate among those? And are the desires of the body less than, lower than the desires of the mind?

I would say that culturally, the answer to that last question is “yes.” Thanks, in part, to the Gnostics and later the Victorians (and who else? Help me out historians!), intellectual and spiritual pursuits are perceived as "higher" than physical ones. Many spiritual practitioners encourage us to transcend the body. Some branches of feminism taught us that wanting sex was inherently disempowering. And in our culture, connecting to someone mentally and emotionally is largely seen as “good,” but primarily wanting to connect physically with another human, either sexually or non-sexually, is seen as “bad,” “dirty,” or “superficial.” In many minds, connecting physically is ONLY acceptable after people have ALREADY connected emotionally and mentally. You’ve heard the quip: “Sex is dirty; save it for someone you love.”

Thanks to the work of Howard Gardner, many of us know that there are multiple intelligences: Linguistic intelligence ("word smart"), Logical-mathematical intelligence ("number/reasoning smart"), Spatial intelligence ("picture smart"), Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence ("body smart"), Musical intelligence ("music smart"), Interpersonal intelligence ("people smart"), Intrapersonal intelligence ("self smart"), and Naturalist intelligence ("nature smart"). Gardner’s belief, which I share, is that all intelligences are equally important to nurture, even though the culture-at-large, and especially schools, reward linguistic and logical-mathematical intelligence over others. Those who demonstrate body-kinesthetic intelligence, on the other hand, are rewarded only if they are unusually skilled at kinesthetic tasks—professional athletes, for example. (And let me not fail to mention the porn star Belladonna—the most amazing sexual athlete I have ever seen.)

All of us rely on several intelligences. We may have a few that are predominant and a few that are not well-developed at all. Similarly, I would also suggest that there are at least as many relationship styles as there are “intelligences,” and that a few are predominant in each of us. There are many ways to be attracted to someone, and each of us relies on a different combination of “attractions” in order to relate to other people. Some of us want to share physical touch, be it sexual or non-sexual, only after we feel an emotional connection via mental or linguistic means—long conversations or copious emails, for example. Others’ sexual desire is stimulated primarily by visual cues—we see someone we find physically attractive and want to share touch with them. For others, the sound of someone's voice might be a primary turn-on, and for others smell does the trick. Others of us use touch, sexual and/or non-sexual, to gain the information we need to make an emotional connection in the first place—like Helen Keller did. Keller could not rely on visual or auditory information to communicate or connect with another human; she had only touch to rely on. Most of us use more than one and sometimes all of these avenues to connect; it is the order in which we do them and the ways in which our minds prioritize them which seems to vary.

Though I am not as limited in my options as Keller was, and though I am certainly not as skilled kinesthetically as an athlete, I rely heavily on my tactile intelligence in connecting and communicating with others. I get information not available to me through other means by touching hands, hugging, cuddling, and/or sharing sex with someone. Though I also rely on visual, linguistic, auditory, and other cues to connect with a person, I can never truly feel like I know someone before I physically touch them. I also need to touch someone in non-sexual ways to figure out whether or not I might want to have sex with them, and falling in love over the internet is just something I can't do. (Which means those trolling posts don't work on me, not one bit.) Does that mean I need to have sex with everyone? Nope, not at all, but it does mean that to feel close with anyone I do need to touch them in some way. And if I don’t want to touch someone, I will never be able to be close to that person. It’s just the way I work.

I’m not suggesting anyone abandon their personal attraction or relationship style(s) if they work for you. As long as your relationships are fully consensual and do not violate the rights of anyone else, you have my blessing.

I do, however, want to challenge the idea that relating physically is somehow more superficial than relating mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I want to challenge the belief that a person wanting you “just for your body” is somehow MORE objectifying than, say, another person’s attraction to hir perception of your “mind.” I want to challenge the notion that “purely physical sex” is necessarily casual, meaningless, and crass. Purely physical sex, can, in fact, be transformative, embodied, fun, life-affirming, and/or validating.

To be sure, I have come across plenty of people for whom "purely physical" does involve discounting the humanity of the other person--just a body to fuck, a notch on the belt, a lay to be had. A relationship based on a physical connection can be objectifying, but so is ANY relationship based on any projection--whether that projection is based on a physical quality or an intellectual or emotional one. ("She seems so nice-- she'd be a great wife and mother." "She's a writer--she must be smart." "She's got big tits and is wearing that tight little shirt--I bet she's an easy lay.") It is not the physicality of a relationship that is the problem; it is objectification and projection that have the potential to nonconsensually dehumanize.

Our bodies is one legitimate and powerful avenue of learning about the world, of getting to know ourselves and other people. A physical/kinesthetic approach is equally valid as a mental, spiritual or emotional approach to the world (and some would say indistinguishable). A physical relationship can be as deep or as casual, as short-lived or longstanding as any other kind of relationship.

It’s time we begin to lay to rest the body-phobia that is inherent in our culture. And there is no place better to start than by challenging and stripping away the internalized body-phobia within ourselves.

Embodying without judgment

"To be fully embodied means to be at one with who we are, in every respect, including our physical being, our emotions, and the totality of our karmic situation. It is to inhabit, completely, our relative reality, with no speck of ourselves left over, no external observer waiting for something else or something better...(It) involves experiencing the totality of oneself, without judgment." (bold mine)

--From the book, Touching Enlightenment, by Reggie Ray. This quote came to me via my Continuum Movement teacher, Rebecca Lawson. (As a disclaimer, I have not read the book so cannot recommend it, but I certainly love what he has to say here.)

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Of course, there is no way to turn our thinking minds completely off and still be conscious, as our human brains are always processing our experiences--it is What They Do. I do, however, have fleeting moments of experience, which I call uber-embodiment, when my brain processes my world and my experiences differently than it does during my normal state of consciousness, and Ray's quote hints at what those experiences are like for me. Following those moments of "embodiment," of course, I always come back to my "normal" state and, paradoxically, try to describe the experiences of embodiment using language--a task that is completely, marvelously impossible yet compelling , nonetheless. Fortunately, I occasionally find other writers who are similarly compelled, and Ray certainly seems to be one of them. Though some of his word choices (karma, enlightenment) are not words I personally use, I am nodding right along with the overarching description of how I feel during those moments of experiencing my body and mind in a different way.

Most of us humans, most of the time, spend a lot of time and energy thinking about ways we could improve ourselves. This isn't always bad, of course, but it can certainly be exhausting. We think life would be better if we just lost some weight or exercised more...if we could orgasm more easily during intercourse or maintain an erection for longer...if we could have different sexual fantasies that weren't so weird...if we could just learn to still our minds when we meditate or make better decisions about who we date...if we would only smile more, volunteer more, or watch less tv...if we would only focus more on our career or focus less on our career...if only we could learn to be more embodied (and yea, I get the irony)!!! So many "if only's!"

As a person who is deeply engaged in the lifelong process of personal growth and exploration, it is freeing to have moments of accepting myself--my body, mind, and personality--exactly as I am in that moment, moments of being embodied (moments of pure grace!) instead of working toward embodiment.

But now, here's more irony for you...occasionally those moments of embodiment just "happen" out of the blue and for no discernible reason, but for the most part they occur when I am practicing embodiment. There is no "best" practice--for one person it might be yoga, for another cooking, for someone else hooping, yet another BDSM, and for another knitting or some other art. My own favorite embodiment practices--the ones most likely to lead to my having moments like Ray talks about--are doing Continuum Movement, quietly sitting outside in nature far away from people (when possible on a rock in a river with the sun overhead and mountains on all sides), singing worshipful hymns of any spiritual tradition with a large group of people, dancing, and (*drumroll*) sex. I don't mean to imply that all of the sex I have is transcendental--embodiment and transcendence are different things. Sometimes sex with sexual fantasy brings me opportunities for embodiment and acceptance. (And no, embodied fantasy is not a paradox. More on that sometime soon.) At other times sex is ordinary or awkward, but if I fully accept the awkwardness I can still be having embodied sex. And sometimes, during sex, I am just right there in the moment, completely loving the person I am touching, using all of my senses, aware of my body and that of the person I am touching, smelling, tasting, hearing, seeing--I am practicing embodiment.

Never, with any of my practices, have I had the experience of pure mind-boggling-embodiment of the kind Ray describes for more than a few moments or perhaps minutes at a time. Perhaps I will practice for two hours and get 10 seconds of that awesome feeling of super-embodiment, and that's great, though frankly I choose my practices because I am going to love doing them even if my mind never shuts itself "off" at all. And that, to me, is the key--doing things that you love because you love them, because you get to practice experiencing your mind, body, and emotions exactly as they are, and perhaps getting, every once-in-a-while a glimpse of the fact that you are just right, just the way you are.