Colon Cancer just ain't sexy

Lemme tell ya--nothing quite spoils the mood like bloody diarrhea.

No, the situation that statement implies did not actually happen to me, thank goodness. But it's the kind of stressful thing that has happened to folks who have colo-rectal cancers.

About a month ago, on June 1, 2009, I was diagnosed with stage II colon cancer. Fortunately, the surgery a few days later removed all of the tumor—as well as 10 inches of my large intestine—and there's no evidence that cancer had spread to the lymph system, bloodstream, or any other organs.

Ironically, I had had a completely clean colonoscopy only five years ago. According to my doctors' recommendations, my next colonoscopy wasn't due until this year, and by the time I got that colonoscopy I already had a large 8 cm tumor which had reached the outer layer of my colon, was blocking 70% of my intestine, had ulcerated, and was bleeding. I can show you pictures. They aren't pretty.

I am one of the lucky ones—I had pain, and later diarrhea and bleeding, that let me know something was wrong and sent me to the hospital, but colon cancer rarely has any symptoms.

Currently, it's recommended that folks with no family history of colon cancer start getting colonoscopies at age 50, and that, if a colonoscopy shows no abnormalities, follow-up colonoscopies are recommended only every five to ten years. If someone has a family history of colon cancer, like I do, colonoscopies are recommended starting at age 40. I am 38. My dad died of colon cancer at age 49.

I don't want to freak you out. Really, I don't. Most of you will probably never have colon cancer, but some of you will. For some of you, a loved one will have colon cancer. So consider the mother of three, a vegetarian for 17-years, with no family history of colon cancer. She was diagnosed with with the most advanced stage of colon cancer, stage IV, at age 37. Her cancer had already spread to her lymph system and other organs of her body.

Or perhaps you might like to read about Holly McMaster, one of the founders of the Colon Club, who was diagnosed with colon cancer on her 23rd birthday. Or her friend Amanda who died of colon cancer at age 27.

And check out the Colon Club's 2009 “Colonder” calendar filled with young, beautiful, healthy people who have colon cancer. Colon cancer may not be sexy, but its survivors sure are.

My personal inspiration had a stage II tumor the size of a football when she was my age. (Makes my "large" 8 cm tumor seem tiny by comparison, huh?) Thirty years later, no recurrence, and she's out in the world kickin'.

So here's your Public Service Announcement: Get a colonoscopy. Don't wait.

Amy
a.k.a. SemiColon (I may have lost part of my colon, but my sense of humor is still intact.)

ADD in the Bedroom

The following is my article originally published in the February edition of the "ADDvice for ADD-Friendly Living Newsletter" from ADDvance.com. Reposted with permission.

If you have ADD and are in a long-term sexual relationship(s), sex with your partner(s) might not seem as "hot" as it once was. Perhaps you've wondered if you are no longer attracted to your partner, are "frigid," "broken" or "immoral," or have an underlying problem in your relationship. During sex you may want to focus on your physical sensations or partner, but your mind may wander to the grocery list. Perhaps you've found ways to make sex more intense, in both ways that make sex more fun for you and your partner(s), and in ways that have had unwanted consequences, such as an affair. Or time may pass, and you realize you've "forgotten" to have sex at all. You may feel super-sexy at times, and other times completely disinterested in sex.

The fact is, your brain is doing what it's wired to do--seeking stimulation, novelty and intensity in order to focus and/or finding ways to decrease the need for focus. It's as true with sex as it is with every other aspect of an ADD life.

In new relationships, sex tends to be fulfilling and exciting. Novelty stimulates dopamine in our brains, which helps us focus. After we've passed the beginning phases of relationship, we may have more difficulty focusing, even on something we enjoy--like sex with a partner who turns us on!

Difficulty focusing DOESN'T mean that we aren't attracted or committed to our partners, that there are other, unresolved issues in our relationships, that we don't like sex, or that we have sexual compulsions. Those things all could be true, as well, but even those of us in the most loving, devoted, healthy, and passionate relationships often lose focus or need "extra" stimulation during sex. It's part of the territory.

We can't leave our ADD at the door of the bedroom, but we can actively choose, with our partners if we have them, the ways we want to intensify our focus during sex (i.e. creating novelty, "spicing things up") and/or decrease the need for it (i.e. becoming less goal-oriented, re-defining "sex."). Just as we are most successful when we create professional and social lives that "fit" our ADD-selves, we also can create sexual lives that "fit" us, as well.

Personal sexual exploration

The following is a reprint of one of the handouts I will be sharing tonight at the Triangle ADHD MeetUp Group on Sex and Intimacy. I include it here for folks who may not be able to attend. (You must have AD/HD to join the MeetUp group, and you must be a MeetUp member or significant other to attend the presentation. If you are a member, I hope you will join us!)

Each of the writing activities below is intended to be an ongoing exploration. Over time, add to and modify your lists—they will evolve with you. You may want to keep a sexual journal, create a 3-ring notebook, or create a folder on your computer and/or in your filing cabinet of word processing documents. Keep your lists in a place where you will see, review, and modify them often! (I write a reminder in my calendar each month.) If you prefer, choose a modality other than writing that works for you—draw, move, think, talk!

• Brainstorm a list of all the “shoulds” about “sex,” “intimacy” and “relationships” that you have adopted over a lifetime. Do you agree with each statement? Why or why not? Consciously accept or reject each one as a personal choice rather than an externally imposed standard. Rewrite the ones you reject to reflect what you actually believe. Then write a list of your authentic values about your own sexuality and relationships. If your behaviors do not match your stated beliefs (i.e. what you say and what you do are not in alignment), you may want to consider whether or not you are being honest with yourself and others. Do you want to change your behaviors or your values so that you are more fully in integrity?

• Keep a piece of paper with you, and make a list of times you notice yourself feeling sexual desire and/or arousal (physical [including but not limited to genital sensations], mental, and/or emotional), no matter how small, and whether or not you “act” on those feelings. See if you notice patterns & commonalities .

• Brainstorm a list of sexual experiences and/or fantasies that have been/are 1) “stimulating” without being particularly “satisfying,” 2) satisfying without being particularly stimulating, and 3) both stimulating and satisfying. Without passing judgment on your behaviors or fantasies, are there any you like to explore more often? Any you like to avoid in the future? (Remember, you need not label an activity as “wrong” to choose not to participate in it.)

• Create a written “Toolbox” on which you list the things that you do to help you feel sexy, healthy, and happy. (Exercise? Smelling your partner? Taking a hot bath? Watching good porn? Masturbating? Eating well? Having naked snuggling time with your partner, even when there is no sexual activity? Spending time away from your partner?) Read your “toolbox” on a regular basis so that you can remind yourself to actually do the things that nurture your sexual energy, and remove the things that you know you aren't going to do, even if you think you “should.” (I print out daily to-do lists which include the things on my own “toolbox” list that I have found I need to do every day. Others I put on my to-do list weekly, and others I do more spontaneously or as needed. I review the entire list regularly, or I will forget how important each thing is!)

• Create a “Yes,” “No,” and “Maybe” list. Under “yes,” list any sexual activity you enjoy or would like to try. Under “no,” list anything you do not, under any circumstances, want to do. Under “maybe,” list that which you might consider under the certain circumstances or within a certain relationship. If you have one, ask your partner(s) to separately create his/her/hir own list, and then exchange lists. Are there commonalities or differences you didn't expect?

• Think about what it means to you to “have sex.” Define “sex” for yourself in such a way that if you were to become quadriplegic and had no genital sexual function or sensation you could still “have sex.” Can you “have sex” even when you have no partner(s)?

• Is there a conversation about your sexuality that you need to have with yourself or your partner(s)? Note: if you are afraid to say something, it is probably important!

Effects of Common AD/HD drugs on Sexuality

The following is a reprint of one of the handouts I provided at a presentation on ADHD and Sexuality in January. I have included it here for reference purposes!

Disclaimer: Though I have used the most scientifically accurate materials I can find in this resource, I am NOT a medical professional. Nothing contained here should be construed as medical advice. Please consult with your doctor about any side-effects of your medications and other questions about sexual function.

Stimulants: Stimulants can be a mixed bag when it comes to sex.
The positives:

• They can help us focus—on our partners, on our own physical sensations. Some people orgasm for the first time once they begin taking stimulants!
• They may increase desire and/or "libido," the ability to enjoy pleasure, and sense of well-being, all of which can contribute to enjoyment of sexual feelings.
• They may "increase stamina."

The possible negatives (Side effects for some but not others, in part dependent on the dose.):

• VAGINAL DRYNESS: Stimulants have “ alpha adrenergic agonist effects,” which, for some, may lead to common symptoms such as dry mouth. They also may lead to vaginal dryness and decreased lubrication in women. Vaginal dryness may lead to pain, decreased pleasure, the mistaken impression that a woman is not aroused, even when she is, and/or increased likelihood of vaginal tearing.
  

Interestingly, according to Kaplan and Sadock's Synopsis of Psychiatry, these same adrenergic effects which can cause sexual problems for some are also sometimes helpful in counteracting some of the sexual side effects of SSRI anti-depressants.

• DECREASED BLOOD FLOW: Stimulants also are vasoconstrictors, which means that genitals may not engorge with as much blood as the do when stimulants are not in someone's system. Translation: Men may need more stimulation to get an erect penis, may not get as “hard” as they are used to, may have decreased sensation, and/or may take longer to reach orgasm or ejaculation. (The latter may seem like a positive to some, a negative to others, and neither a positive nor a negative to others.) For women, reduced genital engorgement may mean decreased genital lubrication and/or sensation, and difficulty reaching orgasm.

To increase blood flow and/or decrease dryness you might try…

• Increase water intake.
• Use vaginal and/or anal moisturizers to moisten tissues. (No perfumes or petroleum products. Stick with organic, cold-pressed oils or another moisturizer designed for genital use.)
• Use lubricants for sex to decrease friction. (Water or silicone-based, or organic, cold-pressed, unscented food-quality oils. DO NOT use oil with latex condoms!)
• Increase level of arousal and desire before penetration.
• Do pelvic floor exercises regularly.
• Viagra (Will help with lubrication and engorgement, but sometimes not desire in women.)
• Hormones (may help with lubrication and/or desire)
• TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! Symptoms may or may not be related to stimulant use, and some of these symptoms may indicate a more serious problem.
  

Anti-depressants: Anti-depressants, especially SSRIs and Tricyclics, are notorious for causing sexual side effects, such as decreased sexual desire, decreased ability to orgasm, decreased ability to ejaculate, and increased difficulty in getting and/or maintaining an erection. Some folks, however, report that decreased anxiety and depression lead to increased sexual drive and enjoyment. Your mileage, of course, may vary.

All information about antidepressants below, unless otherwise cited, is based on research contained in The Science of Orgasm (Komisaruk, Beyer-Flores, and Whipple, 2006):

• The worst offenders of the anti-depressants are Celexa and Paxil (both SSRIs), but all of the SSRIs and Tricyclics, plus Effexor (an Atypical), have strong negative effects on sexual functioning.
• Nardil (an MAOI) may have a moderate effect, but not as strong as some of the other antidepressants.
• The antidepressants which reportedly have no negative effect on sexual function are: Aurorex (an MAOI); Wellbutrin, Remeron, Serzone, Edronax and Desyrel (all Atypical); and BuSpar (Antagonist). (In fact, all of the Atypicals, other than Effexor, had no reported sexual side effects.)
• Bupropion is also associated with statistically significantly less sexual dysfunction than SSRIs, including orgasmic dysfunction*.
• Paxil (and possibly some other SSRIs) may damage sperm which may lead to male infertility, according to a recent statement by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.
• St. John's Wort "does not seem to produce overt effects on sexual functioning."
• After folks have been on them a while, there is often spontaneous remission of sexual side-effects with MAOIs and SSRIs, but not Tricyclics. If you experience unwanted sexual-side effects, talk with your doctor about the most appropriate way to deal with your symptoms.

* Fava, M; Rush, J; Thase, ME, et al. 15 years of clinical experience with Bupropion HCL: From bupropion to Bupropion SR to Bupropion XL. Prim Care Companion. J Clin Psychiatry. 2005;7:106–13.

Seeking STI Hotline Volunteers

I wanted to pass information along about a great volunteer opportunity, taking STI (sexually transmitted infection) Hotline Calls for the STI Resource Center of the American Social Health Association in Durham, N.C. It's a great opportunity to help folks with questions and to learn about sexually transmitted infections, as well, as ASHA is one of the leading research organizations in the field of STIs, especially herpes. You can be as flexible as you want regarding your time and commitment level. I am passing along ASHA's announcement below...


ASHA has for more than 25 years been the American public's first place to go when they have questions about their sexual health, specifically STDs. Our call center can take as many as 25000 calls a year, but being a small nonprofit that number of callers is difficult to answer.
Our staff is very dedicated to the subject and any volunteer would be well trained before taking the first call. Most calls last about 5 minutes and you'll be talking about testing, how to talk to partners, treatment options, etc.

If you feel that people need more information -- not less -- and that you would like to volunteer to take calls, please contact us.

Skills
Able to answer the calls in a clear and non-judgmental manner.
Spanish speakers are a plus.


If you are interested, sign up at Volunteer Match!

Active Engagement: Sexual Decision-Making

The general consensus of those-in-the know is that the healthiest thing for us sexually is for us to have one, lifetime, monogamous sexual partner. If that's not possible, the fewer the partners the better, and always use condoms. Right?

Wrong. Or, at least, Not That Simple.

The fact is that there may also be advantages to having intercourse without condoms with more than one partner. Health advantages for women include reduced risk of breast cancer and reduced rates of depression and suicide. Makes ya stop and think, doesn't it? It did me.

I wrote back in September about a Planned Parenthood report on the Health Benefits of Sexual Expression. From that paper:

Pregnancy and, possibly, exposure to sperm are believed to provide a protective effect against breast cancer. A fetal antigen hypothesis proposes that a fetus inherits breast cancer genes from the male partner. These genes indirectly provide a protective effect to the mother via immune response (Janerich, 1994). A study that evaluated this hypothesis found that a woman’s lifetime risk decreased as the number of male sex partners increased, leading to further speculation that this immune response may be a result of sperm antigens, as well as fetal antigens (Rossing et al., 1996).

A study of nearly 300 sexually active college women found that exposure to semen — having sexual intercourse without a condom — was associated with lower levels of depression and fewer suicide attempts as compared to women who occasionally used condoms, women who always used condoms, and women who abstained from intercourse (Gallup et al., 2002).

When I first read these reports I will admit I was a bit taken aback. My reactions of surprise were indicative of the fact that even though I think of myself as a sex-positive, knowledgeable, up-to-date sexuality educator, I still think of “unprotected” sex with multiple partners as physically risky and ONLY risky. And when I shared the research with friends, I realized I wasn't the only one. The primary response I heard? “But that's dangerous! It can't be good for you!”

But, of course, I already knew that semen contains all kinds of good things that can affect our moods positively: testosterone, estrogen, follicle-stimulating hormone, luteinising hormone, prolactin and several different prostaglandins. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

The thing is, the reality is just not that simple. Reality is never simple.

Having multiple sex partners without using barriers such as condoms may have benefits, pleasures, and advantages, including but not limited to those mentioned above. Having multiple sex partners without using barrier also carries potential risks, discomfort and disadvantages, including but not limited to sexually transmitted infections, some of which cause few long-term health problems and some of which can cause serious health problems, even death. And the ways in which people assess those risks and benefits will vary from person to person.

Now, I hope it is clear that I am NOT telling my readers to go out and have intercourse without condoms with a whole bunch-a sexual partners, just as I am not going to tell you to choose one person and have sex with only that person for the rest of your life. The thing is, it's not possible for me (or anyone) to make an accurate, generalized statement about the “ideal” number of partners or the “best” choices to make about condoms or other barriers, no matter what my personal opinions, beliefs, proclivities or political stances. I am not going to tell you which risks are the most risky or which benefits are most important. I can't make those choices for anyone but me.

What I am suggesting is that the results of these studies are further evidence that there is no “right” or “best” or “healthiest” way to be a sexual being, as long as one's behavior does not violate the rights or freedoms of anyone else.

There are risks and benefits of any sexual choices, just as there are risks and benefits of almost any other choices we make, from driving a car to eating out at a restaurant. There are, for example, many valid reasons to choose celibacy, monogamy, serial monogamy or open relationships (swinging, polyamory, and other forms of ethical non-monogamy). There are good reasons to use barriers for sexual contact, good reasons not to, and good reasons to use certain kinds of barriers in certain situations. And, of course, there are many more choices to make sexually than just those! Ultimately, what it comes down to is assessing the risks and benefits for yourself, examining ways to reduce your risks while keeping the benefits that are important to you, making a choice that works for you, and communicating that choice clearly and honestly with everyone with whom you may become sexually active with, so that they can assess their own risks and benefits with complete information. There may be no “best” way for everyone, but there probably are some choices that will work better for you and your partner(s) than others.

Some of the factors folks sometimes consider (either consciously or unconsciously):

• Personal desires, preferences, “gut instincts” and proclivities
• Desires, preferences, and proclivities of current partner(s)
• Religious, spiritual, moral and ethical concerns, beliefs, and standards
• Cultural standards of families of origin, friends, and communities
• Health benefits of specific sexual activities
• Health risks of specific sexual activities
• Emotional perceptions of potential risks and benefits (i.e. For some, the stigma or emotional impact of a “sexually transmitted infection” may be greater than the physical symptoms of that infection. For others, emotional impact is related to relative impact on physical health rather than mode of infection—sexual or otherwise.)
• Potential risks and benefits not yet “discovered” or scientifically validated
• Regularity with which one is tested for sexually transmitted infections
• The risk factors for the actual activities in which one is participating (i.e. There are different risks for unbarriered kissing on the mouth than there are for unbarriered anal intercourse.)
• Testing status of partner(s)
• Sexual history of partner(s)
• Number of sexual partners
• The "label" one uses to describe the particular relationship(s), and the meaning attached to that label.
  
• Emotional impact of various possible outcomes (on oneself, one's family, community, partner(s), children, and loved ones)
• Level of trust among partner(s)
• Level of commitment among partner(s)
  
• One's knowledge-base and experiences
• Information, thoughts and feelings about barriers, such as condoms, dental dams, etc.
• Information, thoughts and feelings about sexual lubricants and other sexual toys and aids
• And I am sure we could come up with more! (As always, I solicit your suggestions.)
  

Few of us probably sit down to make a list of pros and cons before we have sexual contact with someone. (Though I'd suggest it might be a great idea to do so!) And certainly sexual decision-making need not be a formalized process unless that is one's particular style. But I must admit that I wonder how actively engaged most people are in their own sexual decision-making. I don't even begin to have an answer to that, but it is a subject that intrigues me and which I will explore further over the coming weeks or months as I write about sexual decision-making, sexual integrity, sexually transmitted infections, and personal risk-benefit analysis.

(Disclaimer: If, by chance, I have distorted any findings, know that that was not my intent, but that I will accept responsibility for having done so and gladly change it here. I did not do any analysis of the methodology of the research itself.)

ADHD? Never Have the Same Sex Twice!

I totally lucked out a few months ago when I met some of the awesome folks at Cleis Press and was invited to review books for them every once-in-a-while. Given that I love books, love sex, love sex books, and love writing book reviews, I figure I totally scored. And recently, I got in the mail a copy of Never Have the Same Sex Twice, by Allison Tyler. Please, twist my arm to read that one! *grin*

Tyler is a writer of erotica and editor of erotic anthologies. For fifteen years, she has also been in a monogamous relationship “filled with extreme, kinky, crazy, never-have-the-same-sex-twice sort of sex (from the intro).” Never Have the Same Sex Twice—part how-to guide and part erotic anthology--is filled with simple tips about how anyone can make their own sex lives as spicy as Tyler and her long-time partner do.

What I love about this book is that Tyler does not rely on exposition to explain the variety of ways to have fabulous sex; instead, she introduces each of her tips briefly, without over-explaining, and then vividly illustrates, with erotic stories and excerpts, a variety of ways folks have lived out and fantasized about those very suggestions. In doing so, she entices the reader's own erotic imaginations, encouraging us, by example, to fantasize about and create our own hot sex scenes with our own partners. The chapters are short and easy (not to mention hot!) to read, and each chapter is followed by an erotic story to illustrate the theme of the chapter. Consequently, the book itself keeps the reader engaged, and provides generous food-for-thought about ways to keep our sex lives as hot and engaging as the book itself.

The thing is, perhaps without even knowing it, Tyler has written a perfect guide for those of us with AD/HD, which is why I just had to share it here. The short chapters are ideal for an ADD attention-span, and the steamy erotica is great for those of us who like a high level of stimulation and who require a high level of interest to stay hooked into a book. Don't like to read from start to finish? Fine--in this book you can feel free to jump around as you wish. As anyone with AD/HD knows, having novelty is an important part of staying engaged and excited, and Tyler suggests that even in a long-term monogamous relationship, there's no reason to have the same sex twice. Sound appealing? Even just the title is great advice for those of us with ADD! Most of all, Tyler encourages her readers to do what many of us with AD/HD do best—use our own imaginations to take a great idea and make it our own.

But whether or not you have AD/HD, I recommend this book to anyone who wants a few ideas of ways to spice up their sex lives, whether or not you have one long-time partner, many once-only partners, or relationships somewhere in between.

Today only! Comstock Fundraiser for No on Prop. 8!

(Scroll down to the bottom if you just want the nitty-gritty on the Comstock fundraiser and prefer not to read my thoughts on Proposition 8 in California.)

In May of 2008, I celebrated as the Supreme Court of California ruled that any laws or statutes which limited marriage to to only a relationship between a man and a woman were unconstitutional under the state constitution of California. How marvelous that very first couple married in San Francisco were long-time gay rights activists Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, who had been a committed couple since 1952(!) and were finally allowed to marry in 2008, only months before Del's death.

Soon, however, voters in California will be able to decide whether or not to change that constitution, to send a message to Del's widow and lifetime partner Phyllis that the people of California believe their marriage was not valid because the two both happened to be women. Proposition 8 would alter the constitution of California and eliminate the rights of same-sex partners to marry. A win for Proposition 8 would be, for me, a frightening modern reminder of the laws and policies which supported and imposed racial discrimination not too long ago, such as the laws which forbade interracial marriage. In California, Proposition 8 would declare that two people's gender is far more important than their love or commitment to each other, just as the constitutions of several others states now do.

In the history of the United States, when federal and state constitutions have been amended, it has largely been to expand rights rather than to take away rights, to establish equality rather than legalize inequality. If Proposition 8 passes in California, it will more fully establish and validate a state of affairs in which moral and religious judgments override liberty and equality, on which our nation was founded.

I will admit I have some ambivalence about marriage being the territory of politics and government at all. The first amendment to out federal Constitution stipulates the separation of church and state. I happen to be old-fashioned, I suppose. I believe that our Constitution is still a pretty darn good document, but it seems to me that most political dialogue makes religion integral to all discussions. Barak Obama, John McCain and Bill Barr all make their religious, moral views central to their election politics. Rather than separating church and state, church and state seems to be getting more and more enmeshed with every generation of new politicians.

And the question of marriage is, to me, a religious one. In fact, when my husband and I got married four years ago in the magistrates office in the county jail, our pre-written county ceremony included references to God, and our wedding certificate reads that we were married in "holy matrimony" under God. Never mind that we did not request a religious ceremony. Never mind that there was no pastor present. According to the laws of NC, we were married under God.

If marriage is a religious or spiritual issue, then it is hard for me to understand why our government is involved at all. If there are legal and tax advantages that people are unwilling to give up, then perhaps government should be in the business of issuing civil unions between any adults who choose to create a legal partnership, no matter what their gender. But marriage?

Let "holy matrimony" be the province of churches, as far as I am concerned. If a pastor believes that her religious convictions lead her to bless marriage between two people regardless of their gender--great! She should be able to do so. If a pastor believes his religious convictions tell him that marriage is between only a man and a woman, fine. If two people want to be married under their God, then they can find a church that will bless their union. I believe that the government doesn't need to be involved in any of those decisions. But if those same two people also want legal rights and protections granted by a civil union, then should be able to head on down to their magistrate's office and sign up, regardless of their gender.

For now, though, nobody's asking me. Government is involved in the business of marriage, a condition which seems unlikely to change in the near future. If our state and federal governments are going to be in the business of marriage, then we have no right to impose religious beliefs about heterosexuality onto the institution of marriage. The DSM years ago removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses. There are therefore now no reasons other than religious ones (which vary even among those of the same religion and denomination!) to restrict marriage to a union between a man and a woman.

I wonder how many heterosexual marriages in California started happily--and legally!--yet ended in divorce during the time from 1952 to 2008, in which Del and Phyllis made a life together, in spite of the fact that their government didn't validate their commitment with the legal rights of marriage afforded to two people who happened to be male and female. I don't believe that the length of a relationship is the best measure of its success, but I do believe it can be one of many indicators of a healthy and stable family unit, no matter how you define family.

Yet still there are those who say that gay marriage will damage the fabric of marriage itself. In my opinion, the only two people who can ruin a marriage are the two that are in it, and their gender and sexual orientation don't have anything to do with it. Which is why defeating Proposition 8 matters to every American, not just those who are gay or lesbian, and not just those in California.

And fortunately...

Today only, October 28, I get the chance to support two things I care about, 1) opposing Proposition 8, and 2) promoting a company whose work I respect. Comstock Films I discovered for myself in 2005, soon after they had put out an interesting new kind of adult DVD, a "docu-porn." "Marie and Jack: A Hardcore Love Story" is a documentary about a real-life married couple, and interviews with the couple are interspersed with clips of Marie and Jack having sex. Their love for each other is apparent. Their sex is real. THIS is good stuff, I thought. This is not the status quo of porn. Instead, we get intimate glimpses into a real couple's real sex life. In a society where "sex" seems to sell everything from cola to cars, but authentic, honest portrayals of and conversations about people's real sexual lives are grossly lacking, the window into the lives and bedrooms of these couples is priceless.

Since "Marie and Jack," Comstock has gone on to make other outstanding, award-winning films with other real-life couples: straight, gay, and lesbian. They were even featured in Oprah Winfrey's "O" magazine, making Comstock's films accessible to those who might otherwise resist erotica and porn. And today only, when you buy one or more of Comstock's DVDs, 100% of the proceeds go to the No on Prop. 8 Fundraiser.

Support Voting NO on Proposition 8 and get an awesome (not to mention hot!) DVD in the process. Two ways to make you feel good! What could be better?!

On Jealousy

Disclaimer: The following post is not science, it is speculation. Take it or leave it as you wish.


As a relationship and sexuality nerd, I read a lot of folks' ideas about jealousy. And almost every session with a client or couple and almost every group I have ever facilitated has involved some discussion of jealousy within romantic relationships. It seems that few are immune from jealousy, and fortunately for us, there are those who write sage advice on how to think about the Green Eyed Monster. (See my resources list at the end of the post.)

But I can't help be curious as to why we humans feel jealous in the first place.

Some people will tell you or imply that jealousy is romantic, that if you aren't jealous then you aren't in love. (I find that kinda creepy, to tell you the truth.)

Many folks will tell you that irrational or delusional jealousy (jealousy which persists in spite of no there existing no real threat to the relationship) is caused by cultural expectations around ownership, possession, and monogamy.

Others will tell you or imply that jealousy is just plain evil, immature, stupid, or irrational—something we would transcend if only we were emotionally mature, smart, enlightened, secure, confident, or rational enough.

I don't buy into any of those theories. I happen to believe that jealousy must serve an evolutionary function. I suspect that jealousy is so deeply embedded in both our psyches as individuals and cultures at large because our cultural norms have evolved out of and reflect our genetic roots. If that is true, then our belief systems and cultural myths/stories are not only a cause of but also a result of our jealous natures. In other words, I suspect we might just be evolutionarily programmed for jealousy, perhaps as a means of protecting our genetic line and ensuring its survival. And here's why...

One of my personal enthusiasms is wildlife-watching and watching nature documentaries. (I am a total geek for this stuff.) The more I learn about other animals, the more I am struck by how very much WE, too, are animals. It is now impossible for me to think of we humans as having somehow “transcended” our primal beginnings. We can make rational decisions—sure! But we still have pretty powerful instincts, as well.

I need only look at some of the similarities we share with other animals to be reminded of our common roots. Keep in mind I am not a biologist, so these are the observations of a curious and interested lay-person.:

• Humpback whales make music that is structured, evolves over time, and which varies from region to region.
• Male bower birds build structures and collect “treasures” arranged in a way I can only call “art.” Some young male bower birds work as apprentices to the older, more skilled, males.
• Great apes and some birds make and use tools.
• Classic chimps taunt, harass, physically abuse, and sometimes kill those who are weaker than they, and groups of chimps are known to to war against outside groups.
• Some animals, including whales and chimpanzees, have distinct cultures with cultural practices unique to their region and/or group.

Some animals also exhibit behaviors that look, for lack of a better word, “jealous.” We don't have any way to know for sure whether or not there is an emotional component to the behaviors (or what those emotions might be), but the behaviors themselves are interesting nonetheless:

• If an Emperor Penguin baby dies, the parent of the dead baby may try to “steal” another baby for its own.
• If a chimpanzee infant dies, its mother may steal, maim, or kill another mother's infant. (Humans share 97...or is it 99%?...of our DNA with chimps.)
• A male bower bird will not only steal treasure from the bowers (artistic creations) of other males, but will vandalize another's bower, as well. The former serves the function of both making one's own “art” look more impressive but also degrades that of a competitor—as bowers are used to attract and impress mates. The latter, however, harms another bird's masterpiece without directly improving one's own.

Sound familiar? Baby-stealing may not be as rampant as some of the more dramatic news shows might want us to think, but we humans DO have a reputation for wanting (and taking or damaging) what others have. Most humans seem to be jealous creatures. It's not rational these days for most of us in the developed world to be overly-worried about our offspring's survival (and especially not for me—I HAVE no offspring!), but let's face it—we are not entirely rational creatures, and I think it is quite possible that some instinctive jealousy remains buried in the brains of some large proportion of the human poulation. And thanks to today's neuroscience we know that our emotional and instinctual brains are still quite active and involved in our every decision and thought, thankyouverymuch.

Now what I am NOT saying is that some kind of genetic programming gives us free license to be big jerks when we feel jealous or to go around letting our instincts overwhelm our behavior. Though we may have some jealous instincts which nudge at us to claim, hoard and protect the individuals in our family group, and to harm the individuals or property of those outside our group (especially if we perceive they have “more” or “better” than we do), we ALSO have inherited a BIG ol' brain which includes not just the animal, emotional and instinctive bits but quite a lot of grey matter devoted to rational thought, as well.

There is, however, an important reason I like to remember that jealousy might just be part of my DNA-- if I think of jealousy in this way, it is easier for me to then “forgive” myself for feeling jealous in the first place. Maybe my idea has some scientific validity, and maybe it's just a mental “trick” to get me to lighten up a bit. Sometimes, the fear of and guilt about being jealous is "worse" than the jealousy itself, especially if you, like me, happen to be one of the folks who has a pesky, lingering belief that you'd never feel jealous if you were really, truly a secure and confident human being. Getting to skip over the part where I beat myself up for feeling jealous simply opens up a LOT more energy to try to figure out what I'm jealous of or insecure about, what it is I think I might “lose,” whether or not that there is a rational fear behind the jealousy (i.e. whether the jealousy is actually a legitimate “red flag”), and what I am going to do about it. (Usually, talking to my partner frankly and openly about my fear is a good start.)

I think jealousy is a powerful emotion, not “bad” in and of itself, but both potentially growth-inducing and potentially destructive. Jealousy, because of its power and its depth, deserves my respect and full attention when it arises, but I sure don't want it taking over my psychological landscape or invading every nook and cranny of my relationships. And I'm not about to confuse jealousy with love—that would be something akin to inviting in a wild tiger in for a romantic dinner. In short--stupid.

So if I feel a jealous urge I can say to myself, "Amy, there is some primal urge you are experiencing, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that you are experiencing it, but it doesn't have to control you. You get to choose how to react." And then I sigh with relief and get onto the rational thinking that it takes to unwind such powerful emotions. The "biological excuse” is therefore not a way to justify bad behavior, but to understand and accept the feelings themselves, and then to put those feelings into perspective. Whereas chimps, penguins, and bower birds may or may not be able to choose their behaviors, we most certainly can and do.

Pines and Bowers, in their article, “Romantic Jealousy” write, “Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.” Well said! I fully agree! But “growth experiences” don't just happen—we have to do the (sometimes gut-wrenching) work to get there. How do we DO that work? Here's what some of the experts have to say:

A short but sweet list of suggestions from wikiHow “How to Handle Jealousy”

A good article from Psychology Today: “Romantic Jealousy,” by A.M. Pines and C.F. Bowes

Franklin Veaux writes about jealousy within the context of polyamorous relationships, but even if you are monogamous his advice is sound. Who better to give advice than someone who chooses to have relationships which will openly challenge one's ability to handle jealousy?!
“Practical Jealousy Management”
”Theory of Jealousy Management: So How Do You Deal With Jealousy”

Smoking and Your Penis

This is by no means a new study, but I do wonder why there's not more publicity on the fact that smoking can lead to difficulty for men in getting, maintaining and enjoying an erection. Do you remember that old Saturday Night Life skit back in the 1980's? (Was it Steve Martin in that one?) A bunch of guys walking around greeting each other: "Hey, Bob! (or whoever) How's your penis?!" As it turns out, Bob's answer might just have something to do with whether or not he's a smoker.

A few more resources on:
Smoking, high blood pressure, and erectile function
Smoking, obesity, and erectile function
Smoking and infertility in both men and women