Attraction and Labels

I've been thinking a lot about attraction lately: what it means to be attracted to somebody, what it is that we're attracted to in other people, what makes us want to have sex with some of them and not others. So I decided to think of all the ways humans might be "attracted" to someone, sexual or otherwise. There are so many ways of being attracted to somebody, finding pleasure in different aspects of people. We also desire different things from different relationships, and those things may change over time. With any given person, one might enjoy or desire (in NO particular order)…

• looking at them (I prefer this language to “They are physically attractive,” because it takes me away from my tendency to look at someone through the lens of “attractiveness” in a socially accepted sense. I might enjoy looking at someone who, at first glance, I did not believe was “physically attractive.” Conversely, I may not enjoy looking at someone who may be conventionally physically attractive.)
• smelling them
• touching in non-intimate, non-sexual ways—shake hands, brief hug, pat on arm
• touching in intimate and not-necessarily-sexual ways—hug, cuddle, rub
• touching in sexual ways—and tons of subsets under this category
• talking with—with varying frequency and varying levels of intimacy
• writing/emailing/IMing with--with varying frequency and varying levels of intimacy
• doing activities: playing board games, card games, watching movies, tv, shopping, running errands, hiking or walking, dancing, eating, cooking, any other activity—fill in the blank: _____________________
• sharing silence
• staring into their eyes over candlelight and champagne, sharing the deepest parts of our souls (you know, typical romantic-movie stuff)
• being naked
• going on vacation or traveling
• sharing a home
• sharing finances
• having kids
• making a commitment (commitments of many kinds)

(And if you can think of a type of attraction I have not listed please let me know. I would love to add to my list!)

Then, of course, there are the emotions in relationships of all kinds. I won’t even TRY to list all those. Just for kicks, a few might be: excited, nervous, squishy, juicy, horny, happy, joyful, anxious, bubbly, lovey, comfortable, anticipatory, curious, crazy, confused, bouncy, bored, angry, frustrated, hot, irritated, loving, romantic, blissful, satisfied, calm, etc, etc, etc.

Because we humans like language so much, most of us have a tendency to put labels on our relationships. But what happens when we don't try to define what it “means” when we experience these different desires and emotions? What happens when we don't try to “label” the relationship—-crush, friend, lover, partner, friend-with-benefits, love, acquaintance, etc? What if, when we felt attraction, we simply said that: (insert person’s name) is a person with whom I enjoy (insert one or more of the attractions) about whom I feel (one or more emotions), and with whom I would like to try (one or more attraction). Period.

Labels aren't bad. All words, in fact, are labels. Putting a label on a relationship can help us have feel safe and understand how to think about the world. Agreed-upon labels are a clue to everyone, both inside and outside a relationship, as to how high in priority a relationship is, shorthand that can make communication easier.

Though there is usefulness in the process of "naming," unfortunately labels can also limit and hurt us. Perhaps someone has said to you, "Oh, you would be the perfect boyfriend if only you didn't do X." Or perhaps someone broke up with you because you didn't quite fit their ideal of what a girlfriend should be or do. All I can say is, OW!

Many find that moving away from these normal labels allow them to feel satisfied with any combination of those “attractions” and emotions I listed above. With one person, someone might enjoy intimate touching, sex, smelling, running errands, and watching movies. With another they might love conversation, non-intimate touching, hiking, being naked, sharing silence, and sharing a home, but perhaps not sex. Taking the label out of the mental processing regarding the relationship also can mean that we are less likely now to feel that something is “missing” if a relationship doesn’t involve one of the “attractions” or emotions we think is “normal” for the particular label we may have previously placed on any given relationship.

For example, let’s say Bob meets someone and enjoy looking at them. He get to know that person a little and finda that he enjoys conversing with them in writing, and when he is with them feels the desire to touch them intimately. Perhaps he looks forward to their emails and feels excited about seeing them. His TENDENCY might be to want to make a label right away. His monkey-mind might sound something like this: "Is this a crush? Do I want to date them? Do I want them to be a friend-with-benefits? A lover? A partner? What does it MEAN that I feel these emotions?! What does it MEAN that I am attracted to this person in these ways?! And that I fantasize about those things?!" And then of course the inevitable…"Do they want to date me, too?! AAAAACKKKKK!"

His monkey-minds might shut off when he remind himself that this is simply someone who he enjoy looking at and touching and about whom he feels romantic. Period. If at some point he want to have sex with them, and the feeling is mutual, perhaps he will.

Personally, when I practice just noticing the attractions and emotions rather than labeling what they "mean," I free up an enormous amount of energy with which I can simply enjoy the person and our interactions with them rather than getting hung up on a label and all the expectations that go along with it. I won't stop using labels completely, but I am becoming far more aware of their limitations and am practicing seeing beyond them.