My last post was on ADD & Sexuality, and I told you I'd be back soon-ish to write a few tips for focusing during sex. And here I am, just over two weeks later! (I know that's not impressive for most bloggers, but I'm rather proud of my ADHD self! So yay, me!)
If you are like me and have consistent difficulties staying focused during sex (or, um, anything), you probably have a lot of coping mechanisms--some which work for you, some which might not work too well at all, some which you share with your partner(s), and some which you may barely admit to yourself. If you are someone who knows you need a lot of stimulation and excitement during sex, you might have sought that stimulation out in ways that seemed like good ideas at the time but didn't turn out to be choices you were happy with in retrospect. You might feel embarrassed of your seeming inability to enjoy present-centered, "vanilla" sex with an established partner at all, even though you perhaps LOVE sex and are very turned on by your partner. Maybe you are prone to going off in your sexual fantasy-world and wonder why you seem to "need" fantasy to get turned on. (All these examples are just...uh...hypothetical, of course. I'm not, you know, admitting anything.) Or you might be totally well-adjusted and not be troubled by your difficulty staying focused at all. If you are one of the latter, you have my utmost...well...envy.
So, if you are anywhere on this spectrum, what to do?! First off, it might be good to know that most people sometimes experience difficulty focusing, whether or not they have ADD. Those of us with ADD are just the champion daydreamers, so we are also likely to have the most coping mechanisms for dealing with it. (Which translates as: Those of us who have to do a little extra work to keep sex hot are the ones who happen to be really good at making sex hot, even if some of us need to be reminded of that fact sometimes.) So, here are a few tips, some of which might work for ya, some of which certainly won't, most are probably already completely obvious! But just in case, here they are:
1) Tell your partner(s). My husband and I can now joke about it, instead of my previous, ineffective coping mechanism: trying to hide the fact that my mind wanders every few seconds. I know this can be kinda hard to start with. And here are a few ways NOT to do it: "Um, honey, I totally love what you are doing down there, but will you help me remember to buy toilet paper the next time I go to the store." Or worse still, "I really enjoy sex with you but sometimes I have a hard time focusing on it because I'm bored." Be a bit more tactful than that. But once I began to accept that it's just part of who I am, it simply became a quirk. If I notice myself drifting, I can say it aloud--we laugh and then come back to the good stuff at hand. (And sex--good stuff it is, yea?)
2) This one is kind of a "D'uh," but I name it anyway because I so many folks say they feel shame about their fantasies (either the content or the fact that they seem to have fantasies at all): USE the fantasy! So, if you need fantasy to get turned on (and possibly fantasies involving all kinds of new, stimulating, exciting, or dangerous things that you may or may not actually want to do), then fantasize! And better yet, share it with your partner. Your partner(s) probably fantasizes, too, and might just get turned on hearing yours. Those of us whose minds tend to wander a lot also tend to be very creative, and we can come up with some awesomely hot fantasies. It seems a shame to selfishly keep them to ourselves, yea?
3) Turn off the distractions. I know, that's another obvious one that is mentioned everywhere, but nothing kills my focus like hearing my email beep or my phone ring. Like it or not, I cannot stop wondering what that email is until I see it, or whose call I missed. But if I've turned the sound off the computer and the phone, there's less likelihood of getting distracted by those noises that remind me of the outside world.
4) And in case you do get reminded of something you need to do or someone you need to contact or a frickin' brilliant new business idea, keep a pen or pencil and paper by the bed (or kitchen table or hammock or back seat of the car) so you can write it down. Yes, it is a bit distracting having to stop and record an idea, but it is far worse to have that idea buzzing around your head, nagging at you so you won't forget it.
5) Incorporate intense physical sensations in your sexual play. Like I mentioned in my last entry, it is really hard to think about anything other than what's happening right-then-and-there when you are getting a good, hard spanking. (WhooHoo!) The BDSM community is a great resource for finding new and interesting ways to safely incorporate intense physical stimulation (not to mention intense mental stimulation) in your sexual play. (I wonder if anyone has done research about the prevalence of ADD among this population... Hmmm...)
6) Incorporate intense mental stimulation through fantasy, role play, power play. See #5.
7) Consider consensual and ethical non-monogamy. If having new partners and variety in your partners is a satisfying turn-on (emotionally, mentally and/or sexually), you might want to explore honest and open relationships through swinging (if you want to enjoy sex play with others primarily as a heterosexual couple), polyamory (if you are also open to falling in love and developing intimate relationships with more than one person), sex parties, sex clubs, developing a network of Friends With Benefits, or other models of open non-monogamy. A good starter-resource if you are considering trying non-monogamy is Tristan Taormino's new book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. She gives an overview of different models of open relationships and points out some considerations to ponder as you explore. I did find some limitations to this book, but it may spark questions for you to both research further and think about for yourself. And of course, there's the ever-popular Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, that is another good resource for those starting out (or well along on) on this path. I do stress *open* and *honest* here. If you already have a partner and he or she is not on-board with this idea, I strongly suggest you do NOT push the issue. Ethical non-monogamy only works when everyone involved is doing so freely and with enthusiasm. Try one of the other 11 tips if you or your partner isn't comfortable with this one.
*** I also want to be very clear that there is a difference between enjoying sex and/or intimate relationships with more than one person that you like, respect, and/or love as a fellow human being, as opposed to "using" another human for your own stimulation. The former is ethical, consensual non-monogamy; the latter is most certainly not. It is possible to find partners who enjoy being objectified for fun, but this act is consensual only if it is openly negotiated.
8) Multitask: focus on multiple sexual things at once. Read erotica aloud to your partner or watch porn together, for example. Those things are great alone and can be even better shared! For tips on using porn as a means of sexual self-exploration, see my (entry, "Sexual Embodiment Practice: Porn.")
9) Be creative! Get out the chocolate syrup. Play dress-up. Get out the cam and show off, or videotape yourself/selves. Share a peep show or go to a strip club. Go to a sex club or attend a swingers event. You can participate or not--either way, it can fuel that desire for novel stimulation that keeps you focused on steamy sex with your partner(s).
10) And here's my personal favorite: MAKE NOISE! I like this one because you can incorporate it into the most vanilla of sexual experiences, AND it will probably make your partner feel GREAT because they will be able to hear how much you are enjoying yourself! The way it works is this--those of us who have ADD or who are a bit ADD-ish are natural multi-taskers. A great way to multitask without diluting your focus is to use multiple senses at once. (For example, I find it nearly impossible to watch television if I am not doing something physical at the same time--eating, hooping or other exercise, or cuddling, for example. Without one of these things, I have a hard time lasting more than three minutes without wanting to get up and go, say, check my email.) I find that making noise is an unbeatable way of keeping me "present" during sex. I also find that when I start making noise as if I were completely focused and engaged, my actual focus and engagement immediately goes up exponentially. I've always been on the noisy side in the sack, and now I recognize it as not only a way of expressing enjoyment, but of actually increasing it. (For a "non-sexual" embodiment practice which uses vocalization as a means of exploring the body, try Continuum Movement. I find that the more deeply I explore Continuum Movement, the more deeply I can use sound intentionally in my sexual life, as well. Continuum Movement, incidentally, also requires a lot of focused attention, and anything that requires me to focus is good for my ADD brain.)
11) Similarly, you can narrate whatever's happening. "Ooooh, you are kissing down my neck. Your warm, wet lips are brushing my skin....I feel your tongue as it circles my...yowza!" You know, that kind of thing. This is a bit hard to do if your own mouth is full, but if your lips are not otherwise engaged, then just the act of speaking aloud whatever fabulous thing is happening can help keep you focused, engaged and present. Plus, it is totally hot--you are essentially writing your own porn as you go. And hey, if you have your partner's permission, you can audiotape it. (Which, incidentally, is another super-hot thing to do--tape yourselves and then play it back the next time you feel frisky. Yum.) And then later, you can even write it all down and voila! Erotica!
12) Someone recently asked me about whether or not playing music helps me "multitask" so that I can stay focused during sex. My personal answer seems to be "no," though I will admit I have only tried using music that has lyrics. I just think the idea of playing Barry White while having sex is a super-great-sexy idea, but I get carried away singing the lyrics and my body just starts trying to dance. I do know playing music is a great technique for some folks, though. And one of these days I'll try music with no lyrics for myself. You know, soon-ish.
(EDIT: If you have been diagnosed and are taking medication to treat AD/HD, make sure your medication is active when you are trying to have sex! Just as your meds help you focus on work or reading or whatever else you do, they can help you focus on your body and your partner!)
I would totally love to hear what other folks do or have done to keep that sexy focus! Please comment or email and let me know your brilliant ideas! But first: go, have sex! And remember--those of us who have a hard time focusing during sex are ALSO the folks who know how to spice things up. Most of us like sex, and many of us like sex a lot--so we put in the time and energy to make sex fabulous. So if you are the partner of one of these daydreamy folks, consider yourself lucky.
If you are like me and have consistent difficulties staying focused during sex (or, um, anything), you probably have a lot of coping mechanisms--some which work for you, some which might not work too well at all, some which you share with your partner(s), and some which you may barely admit to yourself. If you are someone who knows you need a lot of stimulation and excitement during sex, you might have sought that stimulation out in ways that seemed like good ideas at the time but didn't turn out to be choices you were happy with in retrospect. You might feel embarrassed of your seeming inability to enjoy present-centered, "vanilla" sex with an established partner at all, even though you perhaps LOVE sex and are very turned on by your partner. Maybe you are prone to going off in your sexual fantasy-world and wonder why you seem to "need" fantasy to get turned on. (All these examples are just...uh...hypothetical, of course. I'm not, you know, admitting anything.) Or you might be totally well-adjusted and not be troubled by your difficulty staying focused at all. If you are one of the latter, you have my utmost...well...envy.
So, if you are anywhere on this spectrum, what to do?! First off, it might be good to know that most people sometimes experience difficulty focusing, whether or not they have ADD. Those of us with ADD are just the champion daydreamers, so we are also likely to have the most coping mechanisms for dealing with it. (Which translates as: Those of us who have to do a little extra work to keep sex hot are the ones who happen to be really good at making sex hot, even if some of us need to be reminded of that fact sometimes.) So, here are a few tips, some of which might work for ya, some of which certainly won't, most are probably already completely obvious! But just in case, here they are:
1) Tell your partner(s). My husband and I can now joke about it, instead of my previous, ineffective coping mechanism: trying to hide the fact that my mind wanders every few seconds. I know this can be kinda hard to start with. And here are a few ways NOT to do it: "Um, honey, I totally love what you are doing down there, but will you help me remember to buy toilet paper the next time I go to the store." Or worse still, "I really enjoy sex with you but sometimes I have a hard time focusing on it because I'm bored." Be a bit more tactful than that. But once I began to accept that it's just part of who I am, it simply became a quirk. If I notice myself drifting, I can say it aloud--we laugh and then come back to the good stuff at hand. (And sex--good stuff it is, yea?)
2) This one is kind of a "D'uh," but I name it anyway because I so many folks say they feel shame about their fantasies (either the content or the fact that they seem to have fantasies at all): USE the fantasy! So, if you need fantasy to get turned on (and possibly fantasies involving all kinds of new, stimulating, exciting, or dangerous things that you may or may not actually want to do), then fantasize! And better yet, share it with your partner. Your partner(s) probably fantasizes, too, and might just get turned on hearing yours. Those of us whose minds tend to wander a lot also tend to be very creative, and we can come up with some awesomely hot fantasies. It seems a shame to selfishly keep them to ourselves, yea?
3) Turn off the distractions. I know, that's another obvious one that is mentioned everywhere, but nothing kills my focus like hearing my email beep or my phone ring. Like it or not, I cannot stop wondering what that email is until I see it, or whose call I missed. But if I've turned the sound off the computer and the phone, there's less likelihood of getting distracted by those noises that remind me of the outside world.
4) And in case you do get reminded of something you need to do or someone you need to contact or a frickin' brilliant new business idea, keep a pen or pencil and paper by the bed (or kitchen table or hammock or back seat of the car) so you can write it down. Yes, it is a bit distracting having to stop and record an idea, but it is far worse to have that idea buzzing around your head, nagging at you so you won't forget it.
5) Incorporate intense physical sensations in your sexual play. Like I mentioned in my last entry, it is really hard to think about anything other than what's happening right-then-and-there when you are getting a good, hard spanking. (WhooHoo!) The BDSM community is a great resource for finding new and interesting ways to safely incorporate intense physical stimulation (not to mention intense mental stimulation) in your sexual play. (I wonder if anyone has done research about the prevalence of ADD among this population... Hmmm...)
6) Incorporate intense mental stimulation through fantasy, role play, power play. See #5.
7) Consider consensual and ethical non-monogamy. If having new partners and variety in your partners is a satisfying turn-on (emotionally, mentally and/or sexually), you might want to explore honest and open relationships through swinging (if you want to enjoy sex play with others primarily as a heterosexual couple), polyamory (if you are also open to falling in love and developing intimate relationships with more than one person), sex parties, sex clubs, developing a network of Friends With Benefits, or other models of open non-monogamy. A good starter-resource if you are considering trying non-monogamy is Tristan Taormino's new book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. She gives an overview of different models of open relationships and points out some considerations to ponder as you explore. I did find some limitations to this book, but it may spark questions for you to both research further and think about for yourself. And of course, there's the ever-popular Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, that is another good resource for those starting out (or well along on) on this path. I do stress *open* and *honest* here. If you already have a partner and he or she is not on-board with this idea, I strongly suggest you do NOT push the issue. Ethical non-monogamy only works when everyone involved is doing so freely and with enthusiasm. Try one of the other 11 tips if you or your partner isn't comfortable with this one.
*** I also want to be very clear that there is a difference between enjoying sex and/or intimate relationships with more than one person that you like, respect, and/or love as a fellow human being, as opposed to "using" another human for your own stimulation. The former is ethical, consensual non-monogamy; the latter is most certainly not. It is possible to find partners who enjoy being objectified for fun, but this act is consensual only if it is openly negotiated.
8) Multitask: focus on multiple sexual things at once. Read erotica aloud to your partner or watch porn together, for example. Those things are great alone and can be even better shared! For tips on using porn as a means of sexual self-exploration, see my (entry, "Sexual Embodiment Practice: Porn.")
9) Be creative! Get out the chocolate syrup. Play dress-up. Get out the cam and show off, or videotape yourself/selves. Share a peep show or go to a strip club. Go to a sex club or attend a swingers event. You can participate or not--either way, it can fuel that desire for novel stimulation that keeps you focused on steamy sex with your partner(s).
10) And here's my personal favorite: MAKE NOISE! I like this one because you can incorporate it into the most vanilla of sexual experiences, AND it will probably make your partner feel GREAT because they will be able to hear how much you are enjoying yourself! The way it works is this--those of us who have ADD or who are a bit ADD-ish are natural multi-taskers. A great way to multitask without diluting your focus is to use multiple senses at once. (For example, I find it nearly impossible to watch television if I am not doing something physical at the same time--eating, hooping or other exercise, or cuddling, for example. Without one of these things, I have a hard time lasting more than three minutes without wanting to get up and go, say, check my email.) I find that making noise is an unbeatable way of keeping me "present" during sex. I also find that when I start making noise as if I were completely focused and engaged, my actual focus and engagement immediately goes up exponentially. I've always been on the noisy side in the sack, and now I recognize it as not only a way of expressing enjoyment, but of actually increasing it. (For a "non-sexual" embodiment practice which uses vocalization as a means of exploring the body, try Continuum Movement. I find that the more deeply I explore Continuum Movement, the more deeply I can use sound intentionally in my sexual life, as well. Continuum Movement, incidentally, also requires a lot of focused attention, and anything that requires me to focus is good for my ADD brain.)
11) Similarly, you can narrate whatever's happening. "Ooooh, you are kissing down my neck. Your warm, wet lips are brushing my skin....I feel your tongue as it circles my...yowza!" You know, that kind of thing. This is a bit hard to do if your own mouth is full, but if your lips are not otherwise engaged, then just the act of speaking aloud whatever fabulous thing is happening can help keep you focused, engaged and present. Plus, it is totally hot--you are essentially writing your own porn as you go. And hey, if you have your partner's permission, you can audiotape it. (Which, incidentally, is another super-hot thing to do--tape yourselves and then play it back the next time you feel frisky. Yum.) And then later, you can even write it all down and voila! Erotica!
12) Someone recently asked me about whether or not playing music helps me "multitask" so that I can stay focused during sex. My personal answer seems to be "no," though I will admit I have only tried using music that has lyrics. I just think the idea of playing Barry White while having sex is a super-great-sexy idea, but I get carried away singing the lyrics and my body just starts trying to dance. I do know playing music is a great technique for some folks, though. And one of these days I'll try music with no lyrics for myself. You know, soon-ish.
(EDIT: If you have been diagnosed and are taking medication to treat AD/HD, make sure your medication is active when you are trying to have sex! Just as your meds help you focus on work or reading or whatever else you do, they can help you focus on your body and your partner!)
I would totally love to hear what other folks do or have done to keep that sexy focus! Please comment or email and let me know your brilliant ideas! But first: go, have sex! And remember--those of us who have a hard time focusing during sex are ALSO the folks who know how to spice things up. Most of us like sex, and many of us like sex a lot--so we put in the time and energy to make sex fabulous. So if you are the partner of one of these daydreamy folks, consider yourself lucky.
3 comments:
Really interesting post, Amy! I smile to think that I'd probably distract myself the first few times trying to remember to set up the bed-stand just right prior to foreplay. Let's see... got my pencil, where's my stenopad? We need the ping-pong paddle! Ooo, that feels good, but give me a second, I need to picture hot fudge all over it! Wait, let's go get some fudge! Do you want some icecream with that? Hey, isn't Letterman just coming on?! I'll get dessert, you turn on the tv!!!
In my younger days, I was distresed about how long I took to reach orgasm. And the more I worried, of course, the longer I took. At age 46, I figured out I have ADD, which explained a lot, including the turtle pace during sex. Well, more like a distracted squirrel, running here and there.
One thing that's helped me has been meditation. Whenever I've been meditating regularly, I've kept my focus better during sex (and lots of other activities). The problem is keeping a practice going! I've only managed it for brief periods of my life.
In any case, thanks for the tips! And nice blog. I found it on Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov's marriage and ADD blog and forum. I'm blogging about life with ADD at http://headintheclouds.typepad.com. Come visit!
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! I just knew that there was someone out there like you!!! I have been looking for you all day, literally. This post was exactly what I needed to hear. I have been struggling with this getting distracted and needing to fantasize to stay engaged in the act. I have blamed my partner but now I blame myself and feel guilty because he loves having sex with me and gets very turned on...I can't stand where I go off to every time (every time because it seems like I have trained myself into believing that I can't get aroused unless I go there) I feel totally disconnected, and even when I'm looking at him I'm often somewhere else. I also think I do it now because I don't want to let him down. If I don't I don't think I can concentrate long enough to get anywhere...the voice in my head just starts yapping away and I have an incessent narration or conversation verbal and visual...it is very frustrating. I want to get out of this cycle. I look forward to reading more of your blogs. Thank you for being so honest. I really have this feeling that sex can be so much for than this if I can just focus and connect. I know there is an energetic component to it that I really want to tap into. I know that because my friend tells me all about her multiple energetic orgasms...She is the most present person I have ever met. She thinks I'm hilarious, I don't. Thank you. :)
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