On Jealousy

Disclaimer: The following post is not science, it is speculation. Take it or leave it as you wish.


As a relationship and sexuality nerd, I read a lot of folks' ideas about jealousy. And almost every session with a client or couple and almost every group I have ever facilitated has involved some discussion of jealousy within romantic relationships. It seems that few are immune from jealousy, and fortunately for us, there are those who write sage advice on how to think about the Green Eyed Monster. (See my resources list at the end of the post.)

But I can't help be curious as to why we humans feel jealous in the first place.

Some people will tell you or imply that jealousy is romantic, that if you aren't jealous then you aren't in love. (I find that kinda creepy, to tell you the truth.)

Many folks will tell you that irrational or delusional jealousy (jealousy which persists in spite of no there existing no real threat to the relationship) is caused by cultural expectations around ownership, possession, and monogamy.

Others will tell you or imply that jealousy is just plain evil, immature, stupid, or irrational—something we would transcend if only we were emotionally mature, smart, enlightened, secure, confident, or rational enough.

I don't buy into any of those theories. I happen to believe that jealousy must serve an evolutionary function. I suspect that jealousy is so deeply embedded in both our psyches as individuals and cultures at large because our cultural norms have evolved out of and reflect our genetic roots. If that is true, then our belief systems and cultural myths/stories are not only a cause of but also a result of our jealous natures. In other words, I suspect we might just be evolutionarily programmed for jealousy, perhaps as a means of protecting our genetic line and ensuring its survival. And here's why...

One of my personal enthusiasms is wildlife-watching and watching nature documentaries. (I am a total geek for this stuff.) The more I learn about other animals, the more I am struck by how very much WE, too, are animals. It is now impossible for me to think of we humans as having somehow “transcended” our primal beginnings. We can make rational decisions—sure! But we still have pretty powerful instincts, as well.

I need only look at some of the similarities we share with other animals to be reminded of our common roots. Keep in mind I am not a biologist, so these are the observations of a curious and interested lay-person.:

• Humpback whales make music that is structured, evolves over time, and which varies from region to region.
• Male bower birds build structures and collect “treasures” arranged in a way I can only call “art.” Some young male bower birds work as apprentices to the older, more skilled, males.
• Great apes and some birds make and use tools.
• Classic chimps taunt, harass, physically abuse, and sometimes kill those who are weaker than they, and groups of chimps are known to to war against outside groups.
• Some animals, including whales and chimpanzees, have distinct cultures with cultural practices unique to their region and/or group.

Some animals also exhibit behaviors that look, for lack of a better word, “jealous.” We don't have any way to know for sure whether or not there is an emotional component to the behaviors (or what those emotions might be), but the behaviors themselves are interesting nonetheless:

• If an Emperor Penguin baby dies, the parent of the dead baby may try to “steal” another baby for its own.
• If a chimpanzee infant dies, its mother may steal, maim, or kill another mother's infant. (Humans share 97...or is it 99%?...of our DNA with chimps.)
• A male bower bird will not only steal treasure from the bowers (artistic creations) of other males, but will vandalize another's bower, as well. The former serves the function of both making one's own “art” look more impressive but also degrades that of a competitor—as bowers are used to attract and impress mates. The latter, however, harms another bird's masterpiece without directly improving one's own.

Sound familiar? Baby-stealing may not be as rampant as some of the more dramatic news shows might want us to think, but we humans DO have a reputation for wanting (and taking or damaging) what others have. Most humans seem to be jealous creatures. It's not rational these days for most of us in the developed world to be overly-worried about our offspring's survival (and especially not for me—I HAVE no offspring!), but let's face it—we are not entirely rational creatures, and I think it is quite possible that some instinctive jealousy remains buried in the brains of some large proportion of the human poulation. And thanks to today's neuroscience we know that our emotional and instinctual brains are still quite active and involved in our every decision and thought, thankyouverymuch.

Now what I am NOT saying is that some kind of genetic programming gives us free license to be big jerks when we feel jealous or to go around letting our instincts overwhelm our behavior. Though we may have some jealous instincts which nudge at us to claim, hoard and protect the individuals in our family group, and to harm the individuals or property of those outside our group (especially if we perceive they have “more” or “better” than we do), we ALSO have inherited a BIG ol' brain which includes not just the animal, emotional and instinctive bits but quite a lot of grey matter devoted to rational thought, as well.

There is, however, an important reason I like to remember that jealousy might just be part of my DNA-- if I think of jealousy in this way, it is easier for me to then “forgive” myself for feeling jealous in the first place. Maybe my idea has some scientific validity, and maybe it's just a mental “trick” to get me to lighten up a bit. Sometimes, the fear of and guilt about being jealous is "worse" than the jealousy itself, especially if you, like me, happen to be one of the folks who has a pesky, lingering belief that you'd never feel jealous if you were really, truly a secure and confident human being. Getting to skip over the part where I beat myself up for feeling jealous simply opens up a LOT more energy to try to figure out what I'm jealous of or insecure about, what it is I think I might “lose,” whether or not that there is a rational fear behind the jealousy (i.e. whether the jealousy is actually a legitimate “red flag”), and what I am going to do about it. (Usually, talking to my partner frankly and openly about my fear is a good start.)

I think jealousy is a powerful emotion, not “bad” in and of itself, but both potentially growth-inducing and potentially destructive. Jealousy, because of its power and its depth, deserves my respect and full attention when it arises, but I sure don't want it taking over my psychological landscape or invading every nook and cranny of my relationships. And I'm not about to confuse jealousy with love—that would be something akin to inviting in a wild tiger in for a romantic dinner. In short--stupid.

So if I feel a jealous urge I can say to myself, "Amy, there is some primal urge you are experiencing, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that you are experiencing it, but it doesn't have to control you. You get to choose how to react." And then I sigh with relief and get onto the rational thinking that it takes to unwind such powerful emotions. The "biological excuse” is therefore not a way to justify bad behavior, but to understand and accept the feelings themselves, and then to put those feelings into perspective. Whereas chimps, penguins, and bower birds may or may not be able to choose their behaviors, we most certainly can and do.

Pines and Bowers, in their article, “Romantic Jealousy” write, “Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.” Well said! I fully agree! But “growth experiences” don't just happen—we have to do the (sometimes gut-wrenching) work to get there. How do we DO that work? Here's what some of the experts have to say:

A short but sweet list of suggestions from wikiHow “How to Handle Jealousy”

A good article from Psychology Today: “Romantic Jealousy,” by A.M. Pines and C.F. Bowes

Franklin Veaux writes about jealousy within the context of polyamorous relationships, but even if you are monogamous his advice is sound. Who better to give advice than someone who chooses to have relationships which will openly challenge one's ability to handle jealousy?!
“Practical Jealousy Management”
”Theory of Jealousy Management: So How Do You Deal With Jealousy”