The following is my article originally published in the February edition of the "ADDvice for ADD-Friendly Living Newsletter" from ADDvance.com. Reposted with permission.
If you have ADD and are in a long-term sexual relationship(s), sex with your partner(s) might not seem as "hot" as it once was. Perhaps you've wondered if you are no longer attracted to your partner, are "frigid," "broken" or "immoral," or have an underlying problem in your relationship. During sex you may want to focus on your physical sensations or partner, but your mind may wander to the grocery list. Perhaps you've found ways to make sex more intense, in both ways that make sex more fun for you and your partner(s), and in ways that have had unwanted consequences, such as an affair. Or time may pass, and you realize you've "forgotten" to have sex at all. You may feel super-sexy at times, and other times completely disinterested in sex.
The fact is, your brain is doing what it's wired to do--seeking stimulation, novelty and intensity in order to focus and/or finding ways to decrease the need for focus. It's as true with sex as it is with every other aspect of an ADD life.
In new relationships, sex tends to be fulfilling and exciting. Novelty stimulates dopamine in our brains, which helps us focus. After we've passed the beginning phases of relationship, we may have more difficulty focusing, even on something we enjoy--like sex with a partner who turns us on!
Difficulty focusing DOESN'T mean that we aren't attracted or committed to our partners, that there are other, unresolved issues in our relationships, that we don't like sex, or that we have sexual compulsions. Those things all could be true, as well, but even those of us in the most loving, devoted, healthy, and passionate relationships often lose focus or need "extra" stimulation during sex. It's part of the territory.
We can't leave our ADD at the door of the bedroom, but we can actively choose, with our partners if we have them, the ways we want to intensify our focus during sex (i.e. creating novelty, "spicing things up") and/or decrease the need for it (i.e. becoming less goal-oriented, re-defining "sex."). Just as we are most successful when we create professional and social lives that "fit" our ADD-selves, we also can create sexual lives that "fit" us, as well.
If you have ADD and are in a long-term sexual relationship(s), sex with your partner(s) might not seem as "hot" as it once was. Perhaps you've wondered if you are no longer attracted to your partner, are "frigid," "broken" or "immoral," or have an underlying problem in your relationship. During sex you may want to focus on your physical sensations or partner, but your mind may wander to the grocery list. Perhaps you've found ways to make sex more intense, in both ways that make sex more fun for you and your partner(s), and in ways that have had unwanted consequences, such as an affair. Or time may pass, and you realize you've "forgotten" to have sex at all. You may feel super-sexy at times, and other times completely disinterested in sex.
The fact is, your brain is doing what it's wired to do--seeking stimulation, novelty and intensity in order to focus and/or finding ways to decrease the need for focus. It's as true with sex as it is with every other aspect of an ADD life.
In new relationships, sex tends to be fulfilling and exciting. Novelty stimulates dopamine in our brains, which helps us focus. After we've passed the beginning phases of relationship, we may have more difficulty focusing, even on something we enjoy--like sex with a partner who turns us on!
Difficulty focusing DOESN'T mean that we aren't attracted or committed to our partners, that there are other, unresolved issues in our relationships, that we don't like sex, or that we have sexual compulsions. Those things all could be true, as well, but even those of us in the most loving, devoted, healthy, and passionate relationships often lose focus or need "extra" stimulation during sex. It's part of the territory.
We can't leave our ADD at the door of the bedroom, but we can actively choose, with our partners if we have them, the ways we want to intensify our focus during sex (i.e. creating novelty, "spicing things up") and/or decrease the need for it (i.e. becoming less goal-oriented, re-defining "sex."). Just as we are most successful when we create professional and social lives that "fit" our ADD-selves, we also can create sexual lives that "fit" us, as well.
2 comments:
thank-you for putting the acknwledgment of that link into words.
I know you've touched on it to a degree, but do you think there is any pattern to what ADD people gravitate towards sexually?
I wonder if ADD folks are more likely to be bi or have more interest in non-vanilla sex than non-ADD people.
Like, I believe ADD people are generally more open to polyamory, for example. (or perhaps poly people have a high percentage of ADD traits).
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