Personal sexual exploration

The following is a reprint of one of the handouts I will be sharing tonight at the Triangle ADHD MeetUp Group on Sex and Intimacy. I include it here for folks who may not be able to attend. (You must have AD/HD to join the MeetUp group, and you must be a MeetUp member or significant other to attend the presentation. If you are a member, I hope you will join us!)

Each of the writing activities below is intended to be an ongoing exploration. Over time, add to and modify your lists—they will evolve with you. You may want to keep a sexual journal, create a 3-ring notebook, or create a folder on your computer and/or in your filing cabinet of word processing documents. Keep your lists in a place where you will see, review, and modify them often! (I write a reminder in my calendar each month.) If you prefer, choose a modality other than writing that works for you—draw, move, think, talk!

• Brainstorm a list of all the “shoulds” about “sex,” “intimacy” and “relationships” that you have adopted over a lifetime. Do you agree with each statement? Why or why not? Consciously accept or reject each one as a personal choice rather than an externally imposed standard. Rewrite the ones you reject to reflect what you actually believe. Then write a list of your authentic values about your own sexuality and relationships. If your behaviors do not match your stated beliefs (i.e. what you say and what you do are not in alignment), you may want to consider whether or not you are being honest with yourself and others. Do you want to change your behaviors or your values so that you are more fully in integrity?

• Keep a piece of paper with you, and make a list of times you notice yourself feeling sexual desire and/or arousal (physical [including but not limited to genital sensations], mental, and/or emotional), no matter how small, and whether or not you “act” on those feelings. See if you notice patterns & commonalities .

• Brainstorm a list of sexual experiences and/or fantasies that have been/are 1) “stimulating” (hot and steamy) without being particularly “satisfying” (leaving you with the feeling that you are glad you have done something), 2) satisfying without being particularly stimulating, and 3) both stimulating and satisfying. Without passing judgment on your behaviors or fantasies, are there any you like to explore more often? Any you like to avoid in the future? (Remember, you need not label an activity as “wrong” to choose not to participate in it.)

• Create a written “Toolbox” on which you list the things that you do to help you feel sexy, healthy, and happy. (Exercise? Smelling your partner? Taking a hot bath? Watching good porn? Masturbating? Eating well? Having naked snuggling time with your partner, even when there is no sexual activity? Spending time away from your partner?) Read your “toolbox” on a regular basis so that you can remind yourself to actually do the things that nurture your sexual energy, and remove the things that you know you aren't going to do, even if you think you “should.” (I print out daily to-do lists which include the things on my own “toolbox” list that I have found I need to do every day. Others I put on my to-do list weekly, and others I do more spontaneously or as needed. I review the entire list regularly, or I will forget how important each thing is!)

• Create a “Yes,” “No,” and “Maybe” list. Under “yes,” list any sexual activity you enjoy or would like to try. Under “no,” list anything you do not, under any circumstances, want to do. Under “maybe,” list that which you might consider under the certain circumstances or within a certain relationship. If you have one, ask your partner(s) to separately create his/her/hir own list, and then exchange lists. Are there commonalities or differences you didn't expect?

• Think about what it means to you to “have sex.” Define “sex” for yourself in such a way that if you were to become quadriplegic and had no genital sexual function or sensation you could still “have sex.” Can you “have sex” even when you have no partner(s)?

• Is there a conversation about your sexuality that you need to have with yourself or your partner(s)? Note: if you are afraid to say something, it is probably important!